You know those moments that you have a chance, or sometimes a not-so-grateful chance to just sit down, and think?

That’s one of my most loathed but most frequent moments.

The quiet and dark space that is my dorm room gives the most dreadful vibe, especially when I’m by myself. And being a college student, that sucks too. There’s never really any time to do anything, although, I can say that I do slack a lot more than others as well.

Twenty One Pilots.

What can I say about them? They’re amazing, and hold a special place close to my heart. I would love to meet them more than anything in the world, or at least, as of right now.

They’re playing in a city close to me tonight, and I wish so badly that I could go. For I fear the next time they come here, they’ll be far too popular, and I wouldn’t get to go for how fast the tickets would sell.

What’s the point anyway? Don’t let me get you down, but in my head, it’s like, they’re basically celebrities. They won’t remember you, or where you’re from, or what your story is.

I’m sorry. Please disregard that, if it discourages you. Don’t let it. Be and do what you want. Not that anybody reads this anyway.

 

Meanwhile, I’m shamelessly playing and losing to people on Songpop 2 and trying to ignore the nasty flu I’ve managed to get while drinking orange juice, and fantasizing about the new episode of Riverdale tomorrow. They’ve only released 2 episodes and I’m completely hooked.

My depression was recently getting worse, but I’m better now. I wouldn’t say Sky High better (No reference intended?), but I mean, I’m not wanting to drown myself in drugs, or wanting to jump off a cliff of course.

I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal, but I’ll acknowledge that I can do stuff to commit suicide. Not that I have the courage to actually do it of course. In the moment I’m not thankful for the lack of courage, but later I know that it’s a good thing it didn’t exist.

Last fall, I was excited to go back to college, to see my roommate again, to perhaps get away from my boring ass life; but now? Now, it’s been so hard to keep myself motivated to even show up for classes, much less do the work. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe everything. Who knows? But it’s just been really hard to want to do anything. I guess being a loner makes it worse. No one wants to hang out with the outcast, am I right?

It’s hard though when 2 of your best friends live out of the country, one moved for college, another is restrained (No comment), and another has a car but no ability to actually use it, and me? Well, A license, no car.

I’ve thought about leaving town, but it’s always a race and an argument inside my head.

  1. There’s nothing for me here except family. The career I want? Where exactly could I do that here?
  2. You have nowhere to go, no car to go anywhere, no money, big cities give you anxiety, and where are you going to stay? Face it, you are TOO SCARED to even leave the state, much less live in another town.

I’ve lived at home for so long – I want to go on roadtrips, and explore everything. I don’t want to be crazy, but I don’t want to be static. I want to be moving, and being so tired that I don’t wanna go places, but I do anyway because the adventure is worth it!

Is that too much to dream of?

Am I being ridiculous? Is it a fairy tail for a ‘small town’ person like me? My town isn’t even that small, but it feels like it because there’s nothing fun to do here, there’s nothing exciting happening, literally no one cares about my town or my state-so what is a girl to do?

I dream, I write, I sing, I play Guitar, I read, I do anything just to get out of this reality, even if just a moment. Because a moment’s time is all I need to be happy again, or at least, content with my life.

And isn’t that what we’re all trying to do?

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